failures are part of life, but somehow a person of reasonable mind ought to learn and safeguard himself from it. take precautions or be alert to their situation. don't ever drag someone else down to bear the shit with u. for goodness sake, just think of others as well. i don't believe in accepting rubbish for an answer. either you can do it or you can't, don't come a butter ppl up and give them a whole load of bullshit. it's crap.

it's so hard to always love your brother. you're supposed to turn your other cheek for your brother to slap when he slaps you on one side. the struggles of an everyday christian in this world where only the fittest survive. it's really a huge test of faith.

zhuo ren bu yao tai shi bai. you shld know how to guage for urself and just jolly well think. you not only lose ur self confidence, but your own dignity and ppl's respect for u. it's ur life, u control it. don't keep going downhill, there ought to be an uphill or at least a stop to it. no one shld ever let themselves fall into an endless pit. if you're in shit, it's probably your own choice. live with it yourself buddy.

watched singapore idol tonite. quite entertaining. thyidor was fab man! great presence and style. our next closest thing to singaporean alicia keys. she's the lady! anyway hahah i think i make a gd predictor. those i predicted all got in. haha..

david yeo's voice is nice. soothing. altho he's really quite beng. can't exactly compete in the looks department. but hey hey hey, de cruz and ben eio totally rocks. hahaha... how can anyone look so cute? apart frm edison and some other asian ppl. wow.. de cruz looks really cocky, but hey those whites and tt smile melts all tt ego away. ben eio, tt echoboy, is another cute one. monkey ears, but cute. hahhaa. two totally different type but hey, it strikes a chord with most girls. haha i'm being bimbotic again. well, it's a sign of nature at work. hahhahahaha....

why cant we juz find such ppl ard sch?? groan... like what ryan said, nothing to look fwd to each day. juz come, try to stay awake. yah, this has been how it's like since last yr. pathetic..

responding to dinko's comment, i think i can juz blog some irrelevant crap to chase those cobwebs away frm my blog. but honestly, my life's boring. i'm juz drowning in the never-ending pile of things to do, not just in school but in church too. i'm gonna be squashed flat by the end of the mth (which is ending soon) so stifled by everything. yucks...

so i'm in a mode of hoping i can go to some island again (singing: i'm leaving on a jet plane) to juz soak up the sun (singing cheryl crow's song) bleah, life is such a mad cat rush in little town singapore. maybe i shld go to some apline hut to hibernate. or to some cove to be a hermit. this is good for health. ok, i'm talking rubbish again. it's a form of release and escapism.

doubt i can destroy tt overwhelming bundle of stuff on my shoulders before the wk starts again and accumulate. ok, i just really need to complain. i'm surviving (i hope) so don't come tell me i need to be positive and all tt crap. this is my space to complain complain complain, exactly how we singaporeans are taught to do all the time. hate those feel-good psychology talk, it's all rubbish. end of the day, it's pathetic to have to rely on those silly techniques to feel good. it's ur life for goodness sake, not those authors. so juz let me live my own life and stop wasting time on those motivational bks. if u've really got motivation, u've got it. if not, juz chill and it'll come. it's ur life, do as u please, not as u're taught or instructed to do.

i'm getting really nowhere. if anyone's still reading this, reckon u're quite free to read this neurotic person blogging without thinking. hahha.. good for u!

i absolutely cannot stand this sem. so many things are super irritating. urgh.. this dumb thing abt getting texts is crazy. no idea why on earth publishing houses charge so much for a miserly bk? then there are other things we're doing tt requires some basic knowledge frm last sem. gosh, how would any normal human rem aft the exams??!! for one, there's no pt remembering what we did last sem. anyway things change all the time. what we learn as the sacred truth today, could jolly well be deemed as the useless and even wrong tmr.

ok, i'm in a state of disillusionment. cant take it, ppl ard me are ranting abt stuff that i have no recollections abt and it scares me. why do u even need to know em? are they so important? yucks. i feel like going on a long vacation and never come back. maybe i cld be tom hanks on tt lost island in the carribean islands (no asian islands other than those in thailand)

this is rubbish. i don't even know what i'm talking abt now. juz shoot off whatever's off my head now. this is gd therapy..

it's so true tt ppl with mixed blood are juz so beautiful creatures. guess guess guess last nite showed these 5 kids who hav mixed parentage. gosh, they are sooo cute! the girls were juz lovely but not so lively on stage, so not as entertaining. those little boys are juz too charming! (juz reminds me of how ah lian really loves boys) they are even more charming than most of the ppl i know. hahah... don't call me a paedophile. kids are gd to look at when they smile. tt's where my liking stops. screaming, wailing and rowdy kids are off limits. they juz make u wanna tear ur head off ur shoulders. happy kids are angels, those out of this category are monsters.

how did Jesus hav tt kinda patience to deal with kids? then again, He's patient and loving. much more than i am. maybe it's time to stretch my limits and be even more patient. this sunday will be a gd testing. haha..

"let all the children come to Me.. the kingdom of heaven is for the babes.. have childlike faith"

finally finished watching big fish. took me ages to get thru it since the last time. interesting show, but i guess i wasn't really paying attention to the dialogue to really catch what was being said. so it was juz nice watching ewan mcgregor act again after moulin rogue. that's 3 movies down in my comp. one more to go. let's see, maybe i can watch it tmr. i'm slowly evolving into a hermit juz watching movies at home. but nvm there's the new takeshi show i'm gonna catch with the girls. all not there to really watch it, but juz him. hahahha my church friends. suye even suggested we get 10 ppl since the title had to do with ten (corny scholar..)

going back to sch later to submit some assignment. yucks, i haven't even met the tutor/lecturer and we've gotta hand in some crap tt i did juz last nite. oh well, i hope it ain't graded. haha.. like to take the easy way out all the time.

first day in sch started horrible. lost my ez-link card on my way to sch, juz before i got on the bus. then i had to trace my way back home and find it. so there i was frantic cuz i was late. finally went to sch cursing under my nose and thoroughly irritated. had my first lect for the day. and i had a pleasant surprise frm my maid's sms telling me some guy picked it up and left it in sch lib! oh man, praise God! so it totally changed my mood for the day. yesh!

went for yr3 banking module. feels kinda strange cuz you feel young amongst the people. but yeah, something i realised and told chu qian yi ding. people in ntu are getting better looking, esp our yr3 banking module. hahah.. yeah bimbotic moments do happen

can't stand it how my parents treat me like some 15-yr old kid and it totally pisses me off. it's only 10 plus and my bro rings me up. gosh, do i look like i'm gonna get into some kinda big trouble? or get kidnapped? i don't even party, club, or date. so what do you want me to do? cage me up at home all day? i hardly go town for goodness sake!

i went for supper with my friends near my place and they had to ring me when i was in the car being sent home. what the??!! i need some personal space. and i hate it when this line's being crossed or even shifted. went for prata tonite and my other bro had to call me up. argh...

can't stand it. i'm not gonna care if they call me again. if i'm out, that's it. i'll be out. even if i miss the last bus, i'll take a cab home myself. this is the limit. i'm almost 20 and i need to be on my own.

have no idea why on earth am i so pissed right now. there's no reason to it, juz feeling irritated at everything. it's as though i got off the wrong side of bed. yucks.. well, i shld be better after some time. i hope.

had a haircut on monday with dinko at jp. kinda strange but i think we bth hav a bit of the same cut. maybe her's shorter. anyway, so it's the start of change. went home aft tt and packed my table and stuff. guess my life needs to have some interesting things to perk me up. now it's juz the day-to-day hum drum. so boring. can't stand the boring and dull life.

this reminds me of sth. fion once said tt she isn't surprised if i go europe and come back with some ang moh bf. hahha. kinda amusing and i laughed my head off. but then come to think of it, yeah it's possible. used to only 'consider' ang mohs or abcs (sounds so bitchy and spg-like rite) when i was younger. hahha. oh man, why on earth am i sputtering so much. this is still kinda public. oh what the heck, this is true. those who know me well will know i've got a knack for this. ok this is for know, i better shuddup.

as the Bible says, the tongue is a hard part of the body to tame. it's a two-edged sword, capable of loving and hurting. the tone we speak also conveys hidden undertones. when you speak too loudly or quickly it really really puts ppl off. even if u want to just make ur inner feelings known, there's no need to get so agitated and frown. talk camly and smile.
 
sometimes i think i smile too much when i'm with ppl i know. smile even during a not-so-cool conversation. for me, it's juz tt i don't wanna get ppl's defences up when i frown. unless i'm damn pissed will i immediately frown n react. to smile isn't a weakness. i hate it when ppl think they can step all over me juz cuz i don't hav a temper. what's the real deal is tt i'm actually a very impatient person. i only control myself much better as i grow up cuz my dad keeps reminding me to be patient.
 
reminded of what i did for bs this wk. galatians mentioned the 'obvious' sins, and dissensions and factions are in the list. so here's another reminder to myself to seek self-control (fruit of the spirit) and listen first.
 
probably at the end of the day, i shld juz keep my hands in my own pockets. don't be so meddlesome and overly concerned over things. leave it and let things happen on its own. totally not my principle but hey it's not really your thing. when you wanna do things properly and in detail, and it isn't really your job, you might juz be misunderstood of being a big kaypoh. it's best to stick to our own territory and not be overly enthusiastic cuz we may juz tread on someone else's zone, and we aren't sure how it's being interpreted.

my bro came back with scratches and bruises frm his match with acs. sound like a worried mom, but i was like "oh my gawd, you kena stepped in the chest???? aiyoh..." then i thought abt it, hey this is part n parcel of the game! lian n myself used to get our fingers a little bruised. the worst was chock's. it juz swelled twice the size of her finger.
 
used to think my bro can't make it for the team. started off in 2nd team. altho he's juz a reserve in the 1st team now. it's better than nothing. can see him enjoying the game now. no more finding excuses for training. he's happy to play. kinda itching to play.
 
some people juz hav such great passion for something. something i admire. i'm not very sure if i've got the same kind of passion for years. maybe i would. even then, sometimes people do move on to the next phase of life. a change of focus and energy. realized how my life's been stagnant for a couple of yrs already. not much hype or things going on. juz the nitty gritties of life. maybe it's time for an overhaul? i'm not too sure if i'm gonna face it with my arms wide open. we'll see then.

slacking is so heavenly. it's sinful but it feels so shiok! juz wake up at anytime u want and laze ard the hse. you're right, i'm a couch potato alrite. juz eat n eat all day, not movin my limbs, waiting for em to accumulate fats (as tho it hasn't already done so) yucky as it seems, this is what i've been doing for the past 4 days.

gonna meet xiao n ren later on for training/coaching. hahha not tt i'm gonna be of much help other than being a vase on the field. i'll juz watch em. honestly i'm only there cuz xiao asked. and i wanna like meet em. guess this is the next best chance lah.

ooo... i'm also so eager to hav my prata treat with the girls man! hahah so cute tt one of us has already lost the bet! catching up at holland v was so nice. altho it wasn't a really long time spent together. but wow, it feels so gd to be with the girls. can juz talk and ask all those qns. firing questions for our leading lady and her upcoming prata party. hahaha.. like what yam said, we're all really happy happy and estatic for her! she's sucha nice lady, so tt guy's got great taste. heh heh heh... my wager's still on ren. she's outta be losing the bet man. too bad she's picky. anyway she's sucha charmer, natural tt she's gonna be picky.

gosh chock, u shld hav been there tt nite. hahah it was nice talking to em. not alot of ppl went, but a nice handful tt's gd for chatting. hey avail urself when it's our prata party k! how abt joining the bet?? hee hee hee... keep me company. oh erm wrong word. tis not gd to keep me company in the club. hahaha.. oh well, juz join the bet for fun! can psycho lobster as well!

i bet many watched the nkf charity show. sometimes i juz don't agree with nkf's approach to these charity shows. why on earth do you wanna give out all those cash prizes? save it up for the kids! to think that organizers spend those 2hrs of airtime, trying to solicit viewers to dial in and donate. more funds could be channelled for the children. gosh, will you use your puny little brains to think? as for those prizes like cars blah blah. well, it cld be part of the sponsor's contribution. no grounds to argue then.

it's saddening to see how those little kids gotta suffer. juz like baby clara in church who has liver cancer. that tiny little life had to suffer a couple of months with those cancer cells in her, not allowed to be operated on cuz she was too young. here she is barely a yr old and had her first opt to rid of a big portion of her liver. that scar across her abdomen will be a scar of both pain and grace. juz like her, we're all living off God's fingertips of grace, as suye puts it.

sunday was the nkf show. and on saturday nites, we've got the simple life. the two dumb blondes paris and nicole are stars of their really useless lives. see the contrast? here are two absolutely spoilt things (i won't even use the word humans, cuz i can't see how they're contributing to society other than giving us juicy gossip pages and stimulating hollywood's economy) who are allowed to do all they want. spoil people's lives, mess up a small town and behave like total brats. yet they're heraled for all these, to the extent of having simple life2. then you see these kids, they can't even afford their medical fees. don't even hav the energy or frame of mind to enjoy life. what contrasts. such is how our society works.

i can't imagine being parents of kids from either of this spectrum. first you've got the sickly children. the torture of seeing the ones you bring to this world endure pin pricks, tests after tests, and not even knowing how their future is like. you can't stand beside them all their life. so who's gonna care for them? then comes those spoilt brats. they aren't even bimbos cuz bimbos do use the slightest little bit of brain left in them. but these girls don't even know what's a bank (probably it juz means dad) they can't even contribute in any way to the family, let alone the environment they are in. mere leeches benefiting frm the wealth amassed by mr hilton. as mr and mrs hilton & mr and mrs lionel richie, i wonder what they're thinking. are my girls helping the ppl around them? imagine walking ard and having fingers point at me, ppl whispering what spoilt creatures i've got. yucks..

my last day of work finally! enjoy my freedom at last. tis smells so sweet.. well actually i complained so much abt my work all the time. too blind to see what my mom was saying. altho it was stressful, busy and you might step on ppl's toes at times. but tt's the real thing out there. just yesterday my director came and stood at my cubicle talking to me; asking me why i didn't wanna juz finish all the way like i told em when i started. well obviously i was lost for words. how can i out talk a master degree chap? and this guy's apparently quite a name in the accounting arena, knows quite a no of ppl in ernst n young's board of director. so there he was giving me a small lecture on what it means to manage time (trying to persuade me to stay cuz they cldn't find a replacement until this morning) and how we shld be committed to our task and build our credibility and integrity. honestly he sounded so smooth, but yeah i knew he was giving me a soft lecture. anyway altho it was quite a akward, it did make lots of sense afterwards. a whole chunk of food for thot. as u all know, end of the day i still didn't stay. so i guess he might not hav very nice things to say shld any head hunters call my ex bosses. but yeah, this guy's a heck of a brainer. talks like hooi de huan (however u spell the mktg lecturer's name) and a little of seow kok boon. he's a director of an american company, yet he's got this big gold ring on his finger. a bit of a beng who plays golf u can say. back to his brains, he's got a degree in engineering but a masters in business (i shld think so since he told me he was invited to lecture a couple of times before)

my immediate boss is the nice one. i can talk to him n he's always talking patiently with me. explains things i dn really understand. and uses simple language tt non-experienced greenhorns like me can make sense of. another avid golfer. apparently my director told me he plays a mean game of golf. jokingly asked me to learn frm him (i was caught between these 2 mens' talk over golf) nice chap. always smiling n laughing. i said sorry (becuz i felt like i was interrupting his work) then he said "say sorry for what? you didn't do anything wrong. sit sit, i need to talk to you." so he started sharing with me how come he n the director were so busy yest and i had to help em do stuff. over some usd30million contract. can u beat that?! tt's the green bill mind u. and i thot shimano was doing some big business. well maybe it's comparable, since shimano's land space is definitely bigger than cameron, and it's got taller factories.

gosh, what's wrong with my jobs? how come always in gul area? so sad...

had much to think about today. God really knows how to work His way into our thoughts. we can't escape it.

kinda not prepared to lead bible study this afternn cuz i thot my partner was gonna lead. so i didn't really give it much preparation and thought. so anyway i only knew like 15mins before i left home tt i had to lead cuz she was sick. there i was kinda going to church with a teeneey weeny bit of dread in me, knowing i didn't prepare my bible study and still had tuition to think abt. throughout the journey to church, tried to pray for God to quieten my heart and annoint my lips to talk sense to the girls.

bible study session was ok i guess. what was more important for the girls i guess was their sharing. the baring of their hearts to talk abt things that made em sad. how they encouraged each other, after having experienced the same sentiments before. no idea how the topic led to them poping the question: you're so old already, how can you not have a boyfriend? time to get one before you're too old! gosh, fancy that coming from 3 sec2 girls. hahah ok lah, as usual i'm fine with my maritial status and singlehood. what tickled me was the way they put it to me. it was in absolute shock that i'm ok with it at my age. amusing how sometimes little kids can be mature in their funny ways.

so after tuition, i poped back to church to check out practice for tmr's youth service. two of my girls were supposed to be backup singers. somehow there was some misunderstanding between them. to cut the story short, they cried and got me sniffing too (not surprising since i'm a tear barrel who cries juz looking at others cry) tried to get them to be buddies since last yr but it didn't seem to head anywhere. to top it off, one of them was going to another church. this means they're gonna see less of each other. have always been hoping that they get back to their good ol' days of fun n laughter, where the girls had been so close. i thot all was not gonna be sunny, then came today's 'crying' session. they've finally cleared the air. hugged each other in tears and smiles. it was a huge load off my heart. sincerely hope that this wld spell the end of previous prejudices they had and the start of the beautiful chapter of their sisterhood. really cheered me to see them huggin each other. they were my two most promising kiddos who were growing in the Lord. they were and they still are.

i guess when you're a discipler, you really are burdened to see them grow. on my way home, i just kept thinking of how i can use my time to help them mature. to give em my time n love. yeah you get the idea. God really spoke to me through the girls. never amazes me how they can teach me such simple but great truths. in a way i'm convinced that it was God's plan that my partner had her stiff neck, and that i had to go lead bible study. He knew that i'd go to youth service practice, He knew that i had to handle that sticky situation, He knew that it was time the girls had to resolve this before they can't see each other.

::trust God to teach you lessons in places you least imagine it::

countdown to another wk at work! sheesh, i remembered tt i'd lots to blog. but i'm pressed for time now so yeah. i'll leave it in my head at the mo. still in search of another template tt i like and has space for tagboard. hahah then also quite good. tt ntuc auntie cannot post msges on my tagboard. hahhhahaha.....

hmm looking for a new template. this one caught my eye. but the really sad thing's tt i can't link n add my tagboard. guess this will do in the meantime. sorry to ppl who wanna tag yah. i'm looking for something better. i'll figure out how to add music too. if i ever get this done first

counting down to the day i end my work. in need of a break and a great tan at the beach. maybe shld get ppl to go sentosa with me. beach volley anyone? teach this fella here how to play man. i can't ask jason cuz he's too pro at it. besides he's gonna be attracting hoards of little girls and disrupt our game. hmm i dunno, maybe the girls? well, a mixed bunch of lads n laydees is the best. anyone someone, go to sentosa with me??!!! i'm parched white as can be. to think tt i hate being white. tt's my natural colour, or shld i say discolouring. yuck.. i can't get tan and i've never had a sunburn my entire life. banana boat doesn't work. lobster sihui can testify to tt for me. i used hers during our training ages ago. we sizzled under the sun. she was a red fully cooked lobster, but i was still as white as ever. take pity on me, my little melanine cells..

gosh. how my bs grp has sorta crumbled. maybe tt's a hard word. but yeah, one of the girl's gonna follow her dad as he pastors in another church. thot she wld stay. the rest aren't coming for youth grp so regularly. i guess it's my fault as i haven't met em for quite a while. a long time in fact. yeah, this is God's hard way of making me buck up with them; to spend more time with them and shower em with all my love. yeah, wish we cld go back to when we first started n i played with the girls all the time. hmm.. maybe they aren't little anymore. they've grown n are finding the struggle between their social life and church stuff.

shiwei, we've gotta spend more time with the girls. i really dn wanna see em float around and never grow. hmm. thought my entry today wld be sth light.

i'm a grumpy n irritated person now. irritate me further and i'll explode. everyday keep doing stuff almost 24hrs a day. barely get my rest or recharge and off i'll hav to force myself to move onto the next day. force a smile on my face when i feel like sulking. everything's pent up and waiting to explode. probably something will let the bubbling gas of irritation slowly ease out. but at the meantime, dn talk to me and try to cheer me up or sth. leave me alone and let me hav my own space! maybe hermits are a more gentle and patient lot; willing to take life as it comes slowly. so here in the city, the psychologists have their own little market of depresed city dwellers & concrete jailbirds to attend to. the demand's gonna rise until someday, our general practioner is also a qualified psychologist.

even blogging or going online's taking up my precious sleep. work ends early but my day doesn't end until 12 plus. dreaming the entire nite and feeling as though i haven't slept a wink. wake up at 5am and start the whole new cycle again.

such is life as a miserable-powerless pawn of society-impatient singaporean.